martes, 16 de diciembre de 2008

Triangular, con T de Tigre




Hay que sincerarse, por más que a uno le guste tirar mierda contra el negocio del fútbol argentino, Grondona, la televisación y Macri: la definición de este campeonato es la más apasionante de los últimos, por lo menos, veinte años. Tres equipos, realmente muy parejos, tienen que medirse entre todos en una corta cantidad de días, con una presión de guerra mundial. Para el espectador futbolero, se trata de un lujo exquisito.

Tigre es el candidato de la gente. Me atrevería a decir que incluso lo es del pueblo. Millones de personas quieren que el próximo campeón esté en Victoria, al borde del río y en el conurbano bonaerense.

De lo contrario, otra vez sopa. La peli repetida de Román o el muy caretón indiecito Solari ensayando emociones contractuales ante las cámaras. Es cierto que el "no tenemos mucho que perder", del muy querible Diego Cagna, suena a falsa modestia, como también es cierto que tal vez su equipo no sea el mejor de los tres.

Pero Tigre se lo merece, y más que el hipermediatizado Boca. Más, también, que el mentiroso club de los tres barrios conocido como San Lorenzo de Almagro, que por algún designio divino integra la nómina sagrada e indiscutible de los cinco grandes. Tigre lo merece porque viene de la B. Porque Cagna es un tipo coherente. Porque los jugadores dejan todo en la cancha, transpiran y sienten la camiseta. Porque mataron a un pibe de su hinchada para todas las cámaras de televisión, y el silencio posterior fue (y es) total. Porque el chino Luna es el Carlos Tevez que jugaba en Apache. Y, sobre todo, porque es realmente excitante el ver a un un equipo con arraigo barrial desvirgado de vueltas olímpicas en primera. Sus festejos son siempre un estallido que acumula añares de fracasos, descensos y canchas podridas, que se diluyen en un desmadre festivo muy superior al que pueden improvisar aquellos que casi que se aburren de tanto repetir el libreto.

Un Tigre campeón es, para el buen espectador futbolero, además de algo de ajusticiamiento, un acontecimiento imperdible.

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25 СОВЕТОВ ВСЕХ ВРЕМЕН (ДЛЯ МУЖЧИН)

1. Не уединяйся с женщиной в гостиничном номере, если секс совершенно не входит в твои планы.



2. Если под рукой нет линейки, используй подручные средства в качестве измерительных приборов:



дискета - 9 х 9 см;

видеокассета - 18,5 х 10 см;

твой пенис - сам знаешь.



3. С тех самых пор как каждый из нас сумел опередить 100 миллионов других сперматозоидов, нами руководит соревновательный дух. Лучше раз и навсегда перестать отрицать важность этого мотива и начать им пользоваться.



4. Сорок пять процентов погибших насильственной смертью были знакомы со своими убийцами. Мораль: чем меньше людей ты знаешь, тем меньше желающих отправить тебя на тот свет.



5. Заблудился в лесу? Спускайся в низины, пока не встретишь реку или ручей. Иди вниз по течению, пока не выйдешь к Москве или Хабаровску.



6. Ремень должен быть в обхвате сантиметров на пять шире талии и застегиваться на третью дырочку. И находиться в одной цветовой гамме с обувью.



7. Чем больше у тебя мускулов, тем больше калорий сгорает естественным образом. Вне зависимости от того, сидишь ты или бежишь, работаешь или спишь. Все потому, что мышечная ткань в 17-25 раз активнее участвует в обмене веществ, чем жир.



8. Говори только о том, что действительно знаешь. Не знаешь - сиди и помалкивай.



9. Удачным можно назвать такой брак, в котором тебе никогда не кажется, что ты идешь на компромисс.



10. Чем медленнее ты делаешь силовое упражнение, тем больше мышечных волокон участвует в процессе, тем крупнее они будут.



11. Когда смотришь на пенис сверху вниз, он кажется меньше.



12. Научись получать удовольствие от того, что делаешь приятное другому. Изучи женскую сексуальность.



13. Мышцы, которые долго делают одно и то же движение, постепенно приспосабливаются использовать для этого меньше волокон. Дабы избежать холостых нагрузок, почаще меняй упражнения для той или группы мышц.



14. Никогда не плати за работу прежде, чем она закончена.



15. Боясь навлечь на себя критику со стороны жен, многие мужчины перестают веселить своих детей кувырканиями, буйными играми с мебелью и возней на полу. Такие мужчины очень быстро превращаются в вялых и нудных папаш.



16. Не пытайся добиться одобрения всеми правдами и неправдами. Больше уважения вызывают те, кому наплевать на чужое мнение.



17. Не занимай выжидательную позицию по отношению к симптомам сердечной недостаточности - боли, сдавленности и тяжести в груди. Срочно к доктору.



18. Когда льешь пиво в середину стакана, получается больше пузырей, запаха и вкуса. Однако пены получается тоже много, поэтому вначале нужно лить пиво по стенке кружки. Затем направить струю в середину. Пенная шапка получится небольшая, но густая.



19. Не рассказывай длинных анекдотов. Особенно замешанных на игре слов.



20. Брюки должны быть такой длины, чтобы при ходьбе не выглядывали носки.



21. Сохрани семейную идиллию:



отвернись от телевизора;

послушай, что она говорит;

повтори последнюю фразу;

скажи, что в этом есть рациональное зерно;

повернись к телевизору.



22. Не проходи собеседование первым. Последний кандидат получает работу в 56% случаев. Худший день недели для собеседования - понедельник, худшее время - конец дня.



23. Обычное полоскание и выжимание куска мяса может изгнать из него до 50% жира.



24. Чем дольше ты игнорируешь что-либо - стук в двигателе, трещину на потолке или тревожное выражение лица подруги, - тем больше тебе придется заплатить за это в конце. Какое-то время все будет идти хорошо, но кончится все капремонтом двигателя, обвалившимся потолком и развалившимися отношениями.



25. Опасайся парня, который согнул колени и держит руки вдоль туловища. Скорее всего, следующим движением он попытается сломать тебе челюсть. Посмотри ему в глаза. Агрессивные намерения вычисляются по характерной напряженности взгляда.

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